Lent season made me do it!

It's that time of year again. Lent With Your Shameless Snowbunny!

In the small break from writing for the first time in years greater than five thousand words I had something to tell you. 

I am reviewing a book called Looking Glass Friends. Two married people who find similar hobbies and intellectual interests in each other that their spouses don't share.  Picture this, desktop PC 1992... don't remind me how old you are... I know you can paint in the image. 

Emails are shared about books, music, theater sparking a fire to learn, teach and share as much as possible. But it changes the individual marriages level of intimacy and sex where the others feel threatened.  They are honest with their spouses of the needs being met, no desires for more than the exchange of ideas. In the end, they're those couples who doggedly claw to monogamy,  propriety and ownership to keep their mates. Toxic, I know. So why did I tell you all this?

It's the way you can explain your skillset to me like a 5 year old. Ask for what I have learned or done to give me the understanding I seek. Then you fuel my imagination and desire to know more. Even when I get off my leash, you find a way to sway me back to this side of needing bail. It's in the way you share pain, grief and emotion as my true currency of intimacy while maintaining autonomy. The amount of knowledge and experience shared between us has made me better. The fact that you have given me access to your elders, siblings and made family is humbling. I am forever grateful for the time and energy you give to this insane thing called us. Let's not repeat the shrooms, bacon and video games though... it's like auschwits every time I cook bacon! 😅

I  truly appreciate the way you don't clip my wings or mock me when my world goes far left of center in the untried, unknown. You know, the dead people chatty in my ears... You have never made me feel small, crazy or unwanted.  In the words of Brett Young 

🎶In case you didn't know

Baby, I'm crazy 'bout you

And I would be lyin' if I said

That I could live this life without you

Even though

I don't tell you all the time

You had my heart a long, long time ago

In case you didn't know🎶

Psst! We're only 11 days into Lent. Just think of what the next 35 will bring if I finish the rosary without breaking it.  *maniacal laughter* Praise the all Pasta, Spaghetti Monster, the Alfredo and Garlic toast!

The first move

Seeing your hands lift my top to free my heavy breasts gave me goosebumps. The softness of your lips on my areola as your tongue swirls over my nipples puts a hitch in my breath. I like watching your hands on my skin as you fumble my top back over my breasts. Long thing fingers and a wide palm to cover most of me. It was the way you looked at my lips. Slowly raise your gaze to meet my eyes right before you move in close. You smell of earth and gunpowder from hunting all day. Its that moment I realize the close quarters. The men's room of a dive bar doesn't seem like the place you'd seize the moment. But here we are a breath away from our lips touching. The feeling of your strong hands at the nape of my neck as you slip your warm tongue in my mouth. Contrasting sensation in the strength of your hands on my neck while you're pressed to the front of me caressing my exposed skin. The texture, the taste of you against my tongue and lips The hem of my skirt rising at your insistent fingers. You don't find any barriers to my folds. Breaking the kiss to smile at me mischievously. Sliding one finger along the seam of my mound. Its the way you watch my chest rise and fall. Your dark eyes meeting mine. I shiver at the promise of such lingering fingers. The moment is broken by responsibility... The phone rings. We separate quickly. "I never do that.  Make the first move."

I stare blankly. 'Then why did you do it tonight?' "It felt like the thing to do." With that wicked smile you turn to leave for the night. 

Did you know I still chew on my lower lip when I think of that kiss? Did you know that I still touch myself the way you did that day? Mmmm, one day I will know the sensation of your fingers inside me. One day you'll hear that gasp of pleasure as you push into my tight slick flesh for the first time. Then I'll find my way back to level ground. The safe place to watch you from afar. The way it was before we met.

Maybe this time...

"When its over? Is it really over?" Those words play again and again in her head like the song by Sugar Ray. Long hours of work were starting to wear Jessica down. She was barely finding time for Christian. Its been two years since the engagement. Between the promotions at her job and Christian's long hours, they barely saw each other awake. For the last few weeks it was becoming increasingly frustrating for Jessica just to nail her love down for a conversation that wasn't about work. She found herself waking up earlier every morning just to have a cup of coffee with her. Only to find out that Christian had to go in to work early yet, again.

"We seriously need to talk." Christian's frustrated face quickly turned to fear when she looked over at her fiancee. "I'm climbing the walls over here. We haven't had sex in months. I get up early just to talk to you. But you have to get to work early. This isn't the kind of routine I signed up for when I said yes to the ring." The heavy sigh from Christian chilled the room a palpable 10 degrees. "I'm not sure what to do anymore. " Christian got into the habit of turning away or staring at the floor. Anything but actually looking Jessica in the eye. The conversation was cut short when both of their phones rang. Vendors and employee concerns that need to be handled as soon as possible forcing both of them out the door. Christian took the out from the constant nagging. Jessica has been left wanting for quite some time. Things had really fizzled out for them after a romcom worthy public engagement surrounded by friends and family. As all relationships are want to do. It wasn't as if there was an expectation of monogamy. Or was there? A question that Jessica had been avoiding as well. She dressed for work hoping to burn off the tension building in her core.

Weeks turned into months of this dodging each other. Christian was always too tired, too busy or asleep. The randomness of their conversations and schedules added kerosene to the fire. Their only communication is via text or instant messages. Jessica was constantly looking for reassurance from her partner. Always being told that, "I'm not going anywhere. I know you aren't either. So just be you."
For most people this would be a good thing to see or hear. Jessica knows better. She's experienced these words before as they blew up in her face. The dread sat with her for days. That's when she got the message from him. 

Nicholas has always had horrible timing. He seemed to always show up when things are off kilter with whatever lover had her attention. He'd mentioned for months that he would be in town. He would make plans with Jessica to meet up for a reconnect only to cancel. It got to the point that Jessica stopped telling her other half about a possible date after six months. He chose today to follow through on all those missed opportunities.

Jessica knocked on the door of his corporate suite. She was surprised to see him in a suit. Last she spoke to him on Skype he was in his fatigues. The flush on her face gave away what she was thinking as they hugged hello. "It's been too long ma'am. At least 7 years since we've been in the same room." Nicholas held her at arms length as he looked her over. Noticing how tired she looked bothered him more than he wanted to admit. They sat at the desk to catch up. The details and minutia of life between friends goes on for a couple of hours. He was happy to see her at the top of her game. She'd finally made it to the place she wanted to be in her career. Jessica was always driven when it came to her career. Hell, she had multiple jobs when they met to buy own restaurant one day. What was that ten, maybe twelve years ago? She was his Cougar. The one who made him say `yes ma'am` for every dirty deed and naughty picture. But it was obvious that she wasn't happy at home. "What's really going on with you? Your face says so much more than what is coming from those luscious lips of yours." He watched her go sheet white. Then the silence hung a little too long on the air. He got up to remove his jacket. He circled behind her chair to massage knotted shoulders. Jessica moaned loudly as his fingers dug into tight muscles. She sighed heavily as her head rolled back against his toned belly. The look of peace formed on her face was amazing. Nicholas hasn't seen her this at ease in a long time. He began to unbutton her chef coat with his left hand as he massaged her neck with his right.

She was lost in the moment of his hands on her tired body. He was already at the fourth button before she realized it was happening. She stopped him with a hand on his wrist. Any eye contact would be stupid. Feeling his pulse racing under the fingers wrapped around his wrist sparks a memory. Unfortunately his other hand was stroking her neck to ears to the side of her face. She looked up to see him staring back into her eyes. 'It's true. It's happening again. But things are different now. She isn't as comfortable as my last partner. I should talk to her before anything changes. I really came just to say hi.' Jessica was happy to see him smile at her. He stepped back to spin her chair around. The silent plea in his eyes were so heavy in the space between them. She didn't think it was going to be so easy walking away from this room. It had to be done repeats inside her head. She really needed to have this conversation just like everything else going on between her and Christian. All of that went out the window as he knelt in front of her. Pulling her chair close so she had to spread her legs. She didn't budge or speak. They kept staring at one another. He pressed his forehead to hers. The sigh simultaneous.

Nicholas knew he should let her go. But being inches away from her heated skin was maddening. Seeing her starving this way made him uneasy. The urge to give her hearts desire in this moment grew with a speed of a wild fire. But, things have changed. Breathing in her scent... Her hands cupping his face made him turn into her palms. Kissing each hand in turn. Taking her middle finger in his mouth, just between his teeth. He bit down slowly until she moaned loudly. When Nicholas looked for a sign but found her eyes closed and mouth parted. He teased the same way to the other hand. She started to shake  holding his face in her hands. Jessica has always been into pain. It was a trigger he knew would get her attention or distract her to madness. "Come here. Let me get you on your feet. I'm not playing fair." She rose slowly. He liked making her unsteady. It was always the other way around when they met years ago. He had to let her go. Right? It's what he should do after everything she told him. When she finally opened her eyes to meet his all control was lost.

Jessica never saw it coming. One minute he's gentle. The next he's pushing all of her buttons. Then his hands were in her hair. A kiss so passionate on his lips that stole her breath away. They were inches apart. Nicholas changed all that without ever letting her go. A hand still in her hair as his nibbled on her neck, lips and ears. The other hand did away with the last buttons of her work gear. He found his way into her work pants. Chuckling when he didn't find any panties. Jessica was so wet that his fingers slid right into her slit. Just as she was about to protest he kissed her again. Her knees buckled. If it wasn't for the hand in her hair and the wall at her back, she would be on the floor. Jessica felt like a rag doll. But couldn't find her voice to say no. Couldn't find the will power to end this moment before it got too far out of control. Who was she fooling. She'd lost this battle the moment he bit her.

Nicholas couldn't believe how wet she was for him. So slick and warm on his fingers. He pulled them out to lick every drop off. The look on her face as she watched him suck her nectar from his fingers told him she wasn't going to stop him. He pulled her in for a kiss again. She came to life after that. Tearing at his shirt buttons and belt to get him naked. They never left the spot. Naked. Chest to chest. He kept her pinned to the wall while he used his hands on her pussy to make her climax. His other hand roaming all over her as she did the same. Just as she was about to erupt her face changed. She was looking for a place to put her hands. "Dig in ma'am." She shook her head no. Nicholas stopped working her sex. The whimper that came from her made him smile like a Cheshire cat. "Dig in. Remind me who I belong to ma'am." He began to fuck her with his fingers again. The quivering of her walls let him know she was close. He pushed inside her to work her button with his thumb. She spilled over his hands with her orgasm. That's when she bit into his shoulder and nails into his arms and she squeezed through her passion. He pulled out abruptly.

Jessica quivered and shook to the floor. She had no intentions of this moment. But here she was, wet, sated and throbbing on the floor of a hotel room. When she turned to look up at Nicholas. She found an erection that begged for her attention. The precum just about to drip to the floor made her drool. She grabbed his ass to bring him closer to her mouth. He had to grab the same wall he pinned her to minutes ago. The softness of his skin contrasted with the rigidity of his cock gloriously in her mouth. He tasted amazing on her tongue. Hearing him moan with hands in her hair slowed her pace. She wanted to enjoy this man in front of her. She stroked him with both hands while working the head. It gave her time to look up at him. His eyes were closed. The grip on the wall was tenuous. Jessica pulled him all the way out of her mouth. She never stopped stroking him. 'Where are you?' He moaned. 'Tell me where you are Nick.' He looked down at her then. He never liked his name shortened. "I'm in your hands ma'am." She stroked him faster while cupping his balls. 'Tell me where you want to be.' He shook from the speed of her hands mixed with random licks and sucking on the tip of him. She noticed he was on the edge of his own orgasm. She never broke eye contact. 'Tell me where you want to be Nicky.' He groaned as he tried to glare down at her. This only made Jessica take him all the way in to his balls as she stroked his taint. She pulled him out again to watch him shudder. Stopping all movements with her hands.

Nicholas knew she was taunting him. He knew what she wanted to hear. But he couldn't get the words out of his mouth. The sudden break of her mouth and hands on him brought everything to the tip of his tongue. "I want in your mouth ma'am. I want that glorious tongue to lick my balls. I want to blow my load down your throat. Please ma'am. May I?" He looked down to see her smile widen. She slid both hands down his shaft. Next her mouth followed behind and she worked him with all three to a fever pitch. He felt her fingers on his taint. He knew she was going to push him over the edge soon. She kept watching him as his cock twitched in her hands. Jessica chose that moment to stare at him as she slipped a finger to the knuckle in his ass.  He grabbed her head to shove his cock down her throat. She milked his prostate. He felt his balls explode down his shaft. Her throat felt so tight around him. The sensations of her working his balls and his butt while he unloaded in her was too much. She drained him dry. He appreciated her hands on his ass right now as he was sure he couldn't stand on his own. Her face pressed against his thigh as she looked up at him was beautiful. He reached back to find one of the chairs to sit down in. Before he knew it she was crawling towards him.

Jessica loved the look of fear on his face as she crawled toward him. She'd never seen the look of prey on Nicholas' face before. The rush she got from it was amazing. The smile she gave him had him pushing his chair back across the room. Finding the desk stopped his movement made him look around for a way out of this situation. Jessica climbed into his lap and straddled him. He was forced to look up at her or stare at her breasts. She was happy to see him squeeze and knead them with both hands as he looked into her eyes. 'Tell me what's next Nicholas. Did you come back to be tagged by me? Or was this just a moment with your Mistress one more time?' He never broke eye contact as he flicked her nipple with his tongue. The sensation caused her to quake in his lap. Jessica loved the way those green eyes stayed locked on hers. But she knew he was avoiding the question.  She let him. Enjoying the manipulation of her nipples in his mouth. The feel of his tongue on her skin was amazing. She let him distract her a while longer. That's when she felt him harden beneath her. Jessica rocked her hips against his stiffening flesh. He moaned with her nipples in his mouth. She watched his eyes flutter close. 'Tell me what you want from me Nicholas.' She kept grinding against him. Taking his face in her hands, 'Tell me.'

Nicholas stared into her dark brown eyes for a long while. He wasn't sure how to answer. He didn't realize until that moment how much he missed her. What they were to each other once didn't seem like an option anymore. How did he say that he doesn't know what, where or why? He held her hips still. "Jessica. I don't know what happened to you. I know I want to bring out the woman I met years ago. I want you like this all to myself. I want to be at your mercy. And I can't have it. I feel that more in this second than I did years ago." He felt her move to pull away. Pressing his thumbs into her pelvis to keep her still. The way she cried out let him know he had her. She just shook her head no. The fear he saw there was too much. "You wanted an answer. Now you have to choose what comes next. What do you want ma'am?" He pressed himself against her while keeping her hips pinned. She shook above him. Now she couldn't meet his gaze.

Jessica asked for this didn't she? This wasn't what she was expecting.  A raunchy come back or a flippant remark about her genitals with his. Now she has the truth. One that could ruin everything for her. Everything she just worked for at home, her career. And the feel of him against her. Those eyes that she couldn't meet anymore. It was then she realized that she never sent a text to Christian. The sigh was heavy as she looked back at him. 'I want you beneath me. I want you begging to be inside me. I want to dig into your flesh as you make me erupt like a volcano until I pass out. I want to you marked as mine. But, I can't have you the way I want you in this moment. I have to talk to her. Can you wait for me?' She was worried at how still he went. His eyes grew dark. Jessica felt the hair raise on her arms. He used that moment to dig his thumbs into her pelvis. She came so roughly, spilling all over the front of him. 'Nicholas, no. This won't solve anything. I swear to you. Give me a few days. Just 72 hours to make this work. Please?'

Nicholas couldn't feel anything. It was just a cold fire burning between them now. He hadn't planned to be this honest with her. Now she was saying it can't happen. No, needs to talk about it first. Whatever. After all of this time he finally put all cards on the table. She stalls while naked and shivering above him. Well, if he can't have his answer today. She wasn't going to forget him in the foreseeable future. He pushed her hips enough to slip inside the tight wetness. By the gods was she snug. He almost came on the first stroke. He watched her face. She looked down at him with tears in her eyes. This wasn't what he wanted. This is not what he came for. That's when she said, 'Fuck me. Make me feel all of you. Make it hurt. Please?' He watched the swirl of emotions cross her face. He nodded. She leaned down to kiss him. Feeling her hips rock as she rides him. Turning the chair to put her back against the desk. Jessica took the cue to crawl backwards on her elbows. He pulled out enough to adjust to the height change. He stood between her thighs long enough to have her stare at him.

Jessica wasn't sure what he saw in that moment. But the look on his face was complex. Before she had a chance to say anything he pushed deep inside her. She felt the cry come from her core. He pounded her relentlessly. The way he watched her face. She saw the determination in his eyes. He was going to deliver on her request. Maybe to her detriment. His hands on her hips as he ground himself into her. The orgasm came so fast she gripped his forearms. Leaving crimson moons in his flash. Biting on her lower lip to keep quiet. "No ma'am,  you're going to call my name." She felt his thumbs at the back of her knees. He folded her in half atop the desk. He slowly stroked her through the second orgasm. Jessica found herself shaking and gripping the desktop. She felt him deep inside her as he bent over to lick and suck on a nipple. The third orgasm rolled through her. She could feel her juices drip down the crack of her ass. He took the opportunity to do short and fast strokes. Hearing the wet sloppy noises of their sex slapping together was enough to bring out the fourth. Wrapping her legs around his waist once he let go to grab her breasts. Jessica used her ankles to pull him into her. The way he worked her breasts with his hands while swirling his hips inside her brought on the fifth climax so sharply. She was out of breath. But he clearly wasn't going to stop until he wrung her dry.

Nicholas pulled free from her folds. She looked spent. But he was going to leave with his last demand met. "Jessica. I'll have today. Even if it's the last time. Do you hear me?" She nodded from the desktop. He walked to the kitchenette for water. She got up on shaky legs to follow him. He grinned at her slow movements to meet him at the sink. She stood beside him to sip water. He leaned in to smell her hair. She laid her head on his shoulder. No, he can't get attached again. She pulled away to find her clothes. He sat his glass down. Before she had a chance to bend over for her things. Nicholas pinned her to the wall. Her face pressed into the cold tile. "I didn't get what I asked for Jessica." He felt her go still. He touched her wrists. She willingly let him hold them over her head. "Can I have this moment?" She nodded. He pulled her hips slightly so he could push into her still dripping pussy. She was like a statue, so still. He eased into her opening. So soft and wet. Taking his time to ease into her slowly. Listening to her whimper at his slow pace. After burying himself into her he held still. "Say it slowly. Say it softly if you want. But I will hear my name from your lips." He pulled out of her just as slow as he eased in. She began to whimper. "Say it." She fell silent. He slowly stroked her again. Nothing. He held her wrists with both hands then pounded into her until her ass jiggled. Mercilessly.  She shook violently. Her walls were clenching him so tightly. He held still again. She groaned, exasperated. "Say it." She shook silently. He repeated his fast and furious pounding again. Licking his thumb to slip it into her ass. She flooded his balls immediately. But he kept pounding her into the wall. Her body shook uncontrollably. "Say it Jessica." She whimpered from the torture. He pulled her arms down and linked fingers with her at their sides. Still inside her, ground his hips into hers. "Give it to me." She cooed. He leaned in to sink his teeth into the nape of her neck. 'Nikolai, harder. Please?' He bit her harder. Her liquid oozed down their legs. 'Ahora Nikolai, todo por tu.' He erupted inside her at the sound of his pet name. They pooled on the floor where they once stood pressed into the wall.

Jessica had to get back to work. She untangled herself from Nicholas with a few kisses. No words. He helped her dress. She rolled her neck to feel the glorious ache his bite left. She smiled. He actually smiled back at her. Light playing in his eyes. She kissed him softly one last time. 'Just give me 72 hours Nikolai.' He kissed her at the door. Now it was time to talk to Christian.  Before she could even get that far her phone blew up about chaos in the kitchen. A no call no show for the bar. And the list goes on. It was late before she even left the restaurant. She checked her phone to see whether her partner was home or out with coworkers for a drink. She found it was the latter. A quick text asking to join her. She said yes. A new friend, Angela, was there as well. Wait, isn't this the girl she said tried to add her on social media? The same girl she said she didn't trust because it felt like she was creeping. Yes, it was. The moment she saw them talking, Jessica knew. She heard it loud and clear. That's your replacement. But she was introduced as a friend. Everything about her made Jessica nervous. Instead, she wandered off to say hi to old friends and coworkers who she hadn't seen in months. Every time she tried to catch Christian to talk they were headed out to smoke. By the time she got home Christian was drunk. That didn't stop the questions about who is this Angela? Where's she from? How did you meet? Christian got angry. Went to bed in the spare bedroom. They woke to awkward silence the next day. Jessica apologized. Christian left for work without a word. The weight in Jessica's heart got heavier.

She found herself working the next 48 hours out of town to cater an event. Short and curt replies were received when she stopped to text Christian an apology. "Do you know why we have a problem?" Jessica felt like it was a loaded question but she answered honestly. She knew she pushed at her boundaries and lost patience. "Is that the only reason?" Now Jessica is concerned. Before she could reply or Skype for details, Christian messaged back. "Nevermind, I can't do this over the phone right now." It would be another two days before they saw each other. The tension between them was palpable. Jessica needed to find a way to handle this situation. In the middle of all of this, she never got back to Nicholas. She barely had time to take care of herself. Nothing felt right to her anymore. So when she turned the key to find the love of her life had moved into the spare bedroom. Jessica crumbled to the floor. The vomiting was unexpected. She was right. This was the end.

The next morning Christian wouldn't look at her. "Do you want to do this now or later?" Jessica walked into the storm head on as they were leaving for work. "Did you have sex with someone new and not tell me about It?" She answered no because it was the truth. Nicholas isn't new. "Then what are these pictures? Why would you lie to me?" Christian took off her ring and threw it at her. "Merry fucking Christmas!" What the hell is going on? How did this happen? What pictures? "I took screenshots just in case you deleted them." Sure enough there were photos of her mouth full of Nicholas cock. Jessica couldn't believe he'd done it. Now her whole world was crumbling before her. The questions that came after hurt. Nothing she could say was going to fix this problem. 'He isn't new. He kept flaking on meeting. I just hadn't told you with everything going on with family and work. You were already angry. I didn't know what to do after you said not talk over text. I was stuck. I figured I would wait until tomorrow when we both had time to talk.' "There's nothing left to say Jessica." With that, she stormed out the door. The tears and devastation took root in Jessica. Left on the floor with the ring she'd just given her lover months ago. It was 20 minutes later when Christian  called to find out why she'd delivered flowers. 'Because this is always a rough time of year for you. I wanted to brighten your day.' "Now I'm in my office in tears for multiple reasons. I can't do this right now. We'll talk later."

It was two days later when they sat down to discuss things. Christian had questions that weren't easy to answer. But they got through them. "I'm not kicking you out. But you should start looking for a new place. I am not a cold person. Let's get through the holidays and your vacation. Save your money. " they agreed on terms to live as roommates. It was then that Jessica said, 'I realized that I took responsibility for my actions but never apologized. I don't expect you to accept it or forgive me. I apologize for making you feel this way. I am sorry for not trusting you to handle everything that's been happening. I left your grandfather's ring on the shelf. I don't deserve it.' The silence was deafening. Christian took the apology at face value. "I'll need time and space to forgive you. Give me that."

The next few months of watching her date Angela was heartbreaking. Seeing her worst fears come to life under the same roof was maddening. She could only stand by. Working through all hours just to avoid them together. All the petty jabs from both of them that kept her up at all hours. Jessica made herself sick with worry over someone who didn't think twice about her anymore. Then one day, they talked about work over coffee. Slowly things normalized between them when Angela wasn't around. Jessica took the small moments for what they were worth. Possible friendship with the lover she had of four years might be on the horizon. When Christian went to the fūtbal game without her, Jessica was mortified. It was the next morning that Christian gave her souvenirs from the match that changed her tone. They talked for hours about it, the trip and lunch at a favorite spot back home. They both seemed to be at ease in each other's company again. The rest of the week went on like this. A few moments over coffee or text to help out with recipe ideas without friction between them. A few more weeks and Jessica would be moved out. Maybe this transition would be easier than expected.

Christian came home drunk. The tears were obvious on her blotchy face. Something happened with Angela. But Jessica didn't want to pry. She felt like it wasn't the time to ask questions. So she listened to the sobs through the bedroom wall until dawn. It was over coffee that she asked how last night went. "She went back to her ex girlfriend. All of the things she's been telling me were a lie." Jessica wasn't sure what to do here. It was months ago she betrayed her trust. Now someone else was doing it to her. So she sat across from her and spoke softly. 'I know this isn't easy. At least you didn't invest a lot of time and money this time. That sounds cold when I say it out loud.' She rephrased what her heart was thinking. 'I'm sorry that your hurting. Is there anything I can do for you? Or anyplace I can take you? I'll be moving soon. I won't be a burden on your space.' Christian just stared at her. Shaking her head repeatedly. "I'm just tired. I'm exhausted. And I need some alone time. Thank you for offering though." They went on to work. This went on for a couple of weeks. Cursory coffee talk and discussing bills as they left for the day.

Jessica was having a fitful dream. She hadn't slept well for weeks. Tossing and turning for months since things changed at home. She'd finally gotten to sleep when the dream took over. The soft hands rubbing her back. The kisses on her shoulder almost woke her from this happy place. That's when she rolled over to see Christian standing next to the bed soothing her out of the nightmare. Those hands really were on her skin. Those soft lips were just kissing her awake. She smiled. Christian kissed her on the forehead. "What time do you work today?" Jessica was in a fog. What day was it again? Tuesday... 'I'll be going in for a meeting at 2pm. So I tried to sleep in. Unsuccessfully as you can see.' The way Christian looked down at her made Jessica frown. 'Are you ok?'
Christian smiled and said everything was fine. She tucked her back in bed. Kissed her forehead again before leaving for work. "Try to get back to sleep. Your alarm has been reset for 1pm. I'll see you after work to talk about moving." Jessica nodded and cooed at the familiar tenderness of her old lover as she drifted off.

Christian had a lot of thinking to do. It was one thing to mourn the loss of a short lived relationship. But she never properly mourned the one she ended prior. When she thought about all of the people she cut ties with over this girl. What was she thinking? Did she want to break clean from Jessica so badly that everyone had to go? They hadn't done anything wrong but be friends with her. And Jessica... Seeing her struggle to sleep like that made her feel small. She couldn't stop herself from offering comfort. But the signals that sends. She needed to think about what happens next. She's moving in a few weeks. Is this the right decision? Do they stay roommates to work on the friendship? Do they part ways officially when she moves out? Have they resolved everything between them? Christian had a lot to think through. Maybe it's time to clear her mind and consider what's next. Maybe this was a rash decision. Maybe the new relationship was too hasty. Maybe...

Jessica woke with enough time to shower and get to work. Meetings all day before she ever made it to her kitchen. The dinner shift was so hectic. She didn't have time to think about what happened this morning. Now the 45 minute commute left her with all sorts of thoughts in her head. She knew not to think too much of the kindness this morning. It was most likely residuals of her loss over Angela. So she needed to keep her feelings in check. Just be supportive of your friend. Move forward with your plans. 'How are you feeling Christian? Need anything?' She shook her head no as she told her to sit. "I know there is a lot happening. And I know you don't have a permanent place to move into yet. So just hold off until you have a lease signed. It's best for the pets so they aren't traumatized by multiple changes in their environment." Jessica felt awkward about the situation. But the logic was sound. It would help her save a bit more money as well. They came to an agreement and reaffirmed the boundaries that were set. As they parted ways for the night, she felt off. Nothing she could put her finger on. No words for the feeling.

Christian heard her cry out in her sleep again. She got up to see Jessica having another nightmare. She crawled in bed beside her. Rolling her into her arms so her head landed over her heart. The sound always soothed her. Jessica would say, "Your heart goes tumptumptump for me." She quieted down immediately. They both fell asleep again. Their habits becoming one as they shifted and spooned in bed. Christian woke early as always. Sliding out of bed quietly to get coffee. She sat on the patio remembering how things were. Remembering the scent of Jessica on her skin, her laughter, her snoring. She had to weigh the reality of what was to what is now. Could she really go another few weeks as just friends? After two nights of saving her from the pictures in her head. Is she really just being a friend to her? Is the comfortable nature they have clouding her judgement? So many things to workout. Angela was due to pick up her things. So it had to wait for another time.

Jessica woke to coffee by the bed. 2 cream, no sugar and hot! Wait, this isn't new. Is this a good idea? Are we just falling back into old habits because it's right here? She couldn't focus until the coffee was gone. Thinking it through in the shower should give it some perspective.  This could work as long as they kept separate rooms. They'd stay friends. They would experience compersion. And everything would find a home in the new normal. Right? This could be done with a plan. We will have to sit down in a couple days when our schedules allow. Yeah, this could be done. Then she heard the raised voices. The break up just got loud. Slamming of the door announced the finality of it all. She stepped into the shower to give her space. The house was empty when she dressed for work. By the time they saw each other awake again with their schedules, Christian should be calmer. She hoped.

Two days have passed with them going through the motions of filling the coffee pot. Chores of the house being done quietly while the other slept or at work. Not much has changed except for the absence of Angela. They hadn't exchanged a single text or reconnect on social media. Both of the cats have been hiding under the Christmas tree. Jessica couldn't stand the silence. She knew something needed to be done. "I have a short day on Thursday. I will be making fudge for holiday gifts at home." A note by the coffee pot should help put them in the same place. When Thursday came, Jessica was surprised to she Christian walk through the door earlier than scheduled. They said cursory hellos. Small talk about work, food and events filled the space. One of them will have to start this talk. 'Thank you for the coffee. I haven't been sleeping well. It was a nice surprise.' She got a small head nod and the sound of the shower turning on. The baking was put away and kitchen cleaned. Jessica climbed in bed for the night. She heard the other bedroom door close. She woke to snoring in the middle of the night. She rolled over to find Christian fast asleep at her side. Instead of waking her she just settled back into bed. By morning there was coffee at her bedside. The house was empty. She chalked it up to needing the warmth of another person.

Christian sank into work. Everything swirling around in her head with the way both relationships ended. All of the nasty things that were said and done over the last few months played on repeat. She knew Jessica would be the same way. That made her feel awful. Had she been honest with herself during their engagement? What's next? Financially she could make it on her own. It would be tight for a while until she got a new rhythm. Of course they've been living separate for months now. And it would be harder for Jessica to save money to relocate. Seemed like the right thing to do having her stay until it was financially stable for both of them. But sleeping together again... That was her doing. She made the choice to climb into bed as comfort the first night. The second? Was it out of habit or sincere desire to help her sleep through the night? She couldn't answer these questions without some serious down time. "Monday, I'll be able to sit down and deal with all of this then."

Jessica was up to her eyeballs in inventory. Numbers were starting to swirl on the page. She sat back at her desk for a minute away from the coolers and freezers. She saw the message and got nervous. "Can we sit down on Monday? Unless you have service that day." She sat on the reply. She hadn't been working on Monday's for a while. She just left the house like a normal day so she wouldn't see them together. No need to mention that to her though. 'Sounds good. 9:15am alarm ok?' The reply was quick, "Heard." That one phrase filled Jessica with dread. It was a way to end a conversation with finality. Life of a chef. Now her stomach was in knots. She hasn't eaten for weeks. The sick every morning would make you think she was pregnant. But that was an impossibility after the surgery. It was the nerves of living with them for months. Watching the love of her life in her new happy. Now that it's over, she knew it was the idea of leaving everything behind. But she had a couple of months to get back on track. Most likely the conversation Christian wants to have.

The week flew by for both of them. Numbers were stellar for Jessica by the end of the year. She earned her bonus too! She started to dip her toes in the idea of relocating since things had changed. She had already exchanged emails with a few prospects. It was Sunday night when she realized what the morning would bring. The heaviness set in again. She packed up for home as she checked on her crew for the last time. It made for a long car ride home. The nausea was back. She just had to get some sleep. The cats would keep her company. She set the coffee pot. Climbed into bed and passed out.

Christian was on her second cup of coffee when Jessica's alarm sounded. She heard her padding through the house. "Morning." Some sound came out of her but she wasn't sure what it was. She watched her sit in her chair and sip the first cup of coffee. "How long will it take you to save up for your move?" Jessica tossed out what she had in savings and said two months more ought to do it. "Do you think you can live by the same rules as before?" She watched the expressions mix on her face. 'I can live like the last 2.5 months again. No problem.' Christian made a face that wasn't recognizable. "I got a reference call for you the other day. It was a job in Oregon. I didn't know you were thinking of moving out of state." 'Well, I thought I would try for the fourth time in a new place. You said you'd keep my kitten. I didn't want to drag her on a plane or car ride. I didn't think it mattered just so long as I moved.' The silence grew between them. Jessica just stared into her coffee cup. The nausea was in full effect now. "Where do you want to be?" Jessica couldn't look up to answer that question.  She saw her grip on the cup might lead to breaking it in her lap. Suddenly she was at the sink returning the half cup of coffee she just drank. Christian hated seeing her like this all the time lately. "What's going on? I hear you when you get up in the morning. I know you're not pregnant. What's happening?" Jessica didn't know how to tell her the truth.  'Stress mostly. Just struggling to eat and keep my disease in check. The meds make that hard to do at times.' She never made eye contact while she gave that answer. Christian watched her clean up and sit back down. "Where do you want to be Jessica?" She watched her lose more color than before. 'Home.' It was barely a whisper. A woman known as a force of nature was whispering like a frightened child. Had they really come to this point? She looked up and said it softly. 'Home, wherever that may be.' Christian sat quietly watching her. "Let's try the next two months as roommates. As friends. It will give you time to interview and network. If it's still what you want. We can go from there." Jessica just nodded. She got up to get dressed for the day. Christian called after her to see if she wanted to go for a drive. Looks like they both need a quiet moment on the water.

Jessica lit up when she saw the sign for the lake. It didn't matter what time of year it was to her. Sand, sky and water always made her happy. Why hadn't she come out here sooner? There are three rivers even closer to home. It didn't matter right now. She slipped off her shoes in the chilly weather to feel the earth between her toes. This is the best  feeling in the world. Feeling the wind in her hair as she ran to the water's edge. Her laughter was instantaneous. She looked over her shoulder to see Christian watching her with a smile. How did they get so far from this time together? They strolled along different paths. Each collecting rocks and shells. She noticed the time and started back for the car. Christian followed her. Jessica felt her eyes as she rinsed her feet off at the stall. What is she to her now? Her ex of course. She got back into her shoes. Absentmindedly took her hand as they walked back to the car. Jessica went on about work later, packing a bag for overnight and medicines for the day. Christian kissed her softly. A light meeting of lips. She fell silent. A smile on her face as she held the door open for her. Maybe it isn't over, or is this something new?

Letter of Intent

In writing this for the fifth time, I figured id do it raw. Rough around the edges, no editing, no post scripting but raw and untouched with errors. So here we go.

When I saw the first picture of you I paused. I scrolled through your profile before moving on. I did this on 3 separate occasions.  I figured if I was being drawn back to you,  I just had to say hello. I was excited to get a reply. Actually bounced in my seat. When I realized that I coukd possibly meet you and enjoy my birthday at the same time... Motivation found. I reminded myself that the reason I was here is because I was saying yes again. Then I got the dessert. It made me smile. Its been a while since I've had someone new do a kindness for my big day. Now I just had to get to know you. We text, we chat then you called. Surprise!  Your voice still confuses the packaging.  But I like the dichotomy that you are visually.  What trips my trigger? Those eyes. Its your smirk that made me want to know more. Then it was your ease with me. Even in your shyness you wanted to do, see and know more of me. Your openness to knew things and places made thungs simple to do with you. I like that you dont say no. Dont get me wrong.  I heard you loud and clear on the list of things that you are, has happened in the past and you vow not to repeat. Its that honesty that I find brave. The confidence in who you are right now is why I find you sexy. The way you shared yourself knowing its a risk to there being nothing more than A shared meal between us but still giving of your heavy moments is awesome. I still wanted to know more. Then you touched me. A hug, a cuddle, kiss... Sex wasn't my plan. It really wasn't. Suddenly its fun, fabulous and almost sunrise. I wouldn't change it for the world. Every message sent, text, glide or call made me smile. I was excited to see you. Talking to you was easy. You seem never to tire of me. I liked that you wanted to hear about my day. Weeks have gone by and I tell you more about my world. Sharing the small and mundane of my life seem to make you giggle. Then you tell me, "Youre the first thung I think of when I wake up and my last thought at night." It has been a long time since I felt wanted.  I dont feel like an obligation,  a duty or a chore when I am with you.  You make me happy. I get excited to hear from you every morning. Knowing that what I am feeling is being returned to me is amazing. Then you start to meet my people. Im dreading this moment. Not because of you but them.  I dont want to rush things. I want to share you with them. But they like myself, can be loud and overbearing.  We are a boisterous group of passionate people. And I have you all shuny and new. I didnt want to scare you away. Instead, you laughed and drank aamong us. I found a new happy. Your ease with me is what I like most. The sex between us is fucking fabulous. Your limited inhibitions still leave so much more to explore. Your willingness to do just that turns me on more. Then you baked for me. You shared your bed with me. Youve wrapped your arms around me. Then you shared me with your people. When you grabbed my hand on the way to the car my stomach dropped. Finally, someone wanted to touch me. I wasn't making the first move. I found a happy. Here we are at the end of my cycle of renewal. My personal challenge of love letters met and exceeded expectations. Knowing you wanted one scared me. Which is the very reason I decided to write one for you. If this is the beginning, if this is moving slow, if this is a road to possibility of more with you. I'm willing to try it. Because you make me happy. Those are just a few of the reasons I like TheChef called Tara.

The last one.

Christian found herself in a turmoil of emotions. She's watching Jessica pack up all of her toiletries and trappings from the bathroom. She has been singing all morning. Jessica always sang as a way to relieve stress or hide how pissed she really is in the moment. Christian knew she was in trouble the moment she began to sing in Spanish. That was the sign she was hitting the boiling point. Here she was not knowing where to go next. What to do next? That moment they let all the walls crumble between them like old times marked them for the end. Or was she thinking about this all wrong? This could easily be the beginning of something new and wondrous. Knowing her old friend and lover the way she did, disastrous was more likely. The way they ripped each other apart from the core was so intense and addicting. The way Jessica tugs at her soul to then mend it with a touch isn't lost on Christian. It is the very reason she sought her out after all these years. There has never been anyone who's met every need within and without the way she has. So how does this distance change things for them. Them, Us, we, together...! Christian is already using the language that she has run from for so long. So many questions yet to ask. So many other decisions to make in the mean time. And her life choices, wow! That would change drastically in this moment. How does she even address this in therapy. How does one reevaluate such a decision? She has decided on something so major. Jessica was equally major in the distraction. Is that what this has become? Is she a distraction on this journey for the change? How does one figure this out with her so close? So near, right there, in her bathroom, seething, by the force of her words as she is singing......

Jessica can only blame herself for letting her guard down. She knew there was more at stake after spending all this time with her red haired lover. Nothing was ever easy when it came to them. Here she was, bruised, marked and battered from the inside out. Beating herself up for all the mistakes being made on a whim. On a vacation for crying out loud. How does she come here and tear down all the barriers that her old friend has spent years building. An image, an identity, to live with for life. How does she accept their end? How does she part ways knowing this could be the last time she'll ever kiss her Christian again? "Her Christian"! All of that ownership. Possession from days old doesn't seem fair anymore. Yet, it was her/him that took it all from her in the beginning. There is fault laid at both of their feet for this one. She's just hours from her flight. Nothing about this feels right. Nothing about this moment feels like it's at an end either. This moment pushes all the wrong buttons. The loss of control isn't what she likes or needs right now. Or is it? Maybe this moment is showing her exactly what she needs. The idea of losing control had her singing even louder. She felt Christian behind her. The feel of her hands on her hips, the nibble on her shoulder, the kiss to her neck and ears sent Jessica reeling. Being pulled in close with arms that have wrapped around her for years. Seeing that fire in those eyes staring back at her in the mirror matching her own. Feeling her teeth sink into the nape of her neck brought on the tears. The ache of her finger tips led her to those wondrous red curls of her lover. The build up washing away with a simple touch had Jessica's damn overflowing. She felt Christian pull away to leave her alone.

Christian continued to watch her pack in silence. Wishing she'd left her singing. At least she knew her mood by her words, her song. She sat at the piano to wash away all the emotions in music. Nothing came out right. So she braided her hair to kill the time. Cooking doesn't seem like a good idea with such short time. Hearing Jessica wheel out her luggage startled her. 'How about lunch Mon Ami? We can go to the Pakistani place you like so much before your flight. It's on the way.' She saw her nod in ascent. They loaded everything in the car. They checked to make sure nothing was left behind. Jessica inevitably left something behind. But checking one last time was a routine they shared. Christian felt her hand in Jessica's. She couldn't have been happier to lace her fingers with another. She could feel the smile spread across both of their faces. Watching her as she brought their linked hands to her lips for a kiss moved something within her. The passion, the heat, the love that pours from Jessica is like drowning in a pool. Christian happily sank into the warm spring.

Jessica is happy to have some physical distance between them. The energy they swap is always intense. Just having room to breathe will be enough to think clearly. Yet, she is thinking of all the tender places, bruises and bite marks all over her body. Knowing she'll be achy and tender tomorrow. Wallowing in the sensations and wetness this time off is going to bring. Jessica looked over at this beautiful woman. The smile she shoots back is radiant. What on earth has she done to them? How is she going to mend this fence now all the horses are free? Suddenly, the "right here, right now" seems like she shouldn't be leaving. But those questions needed to be asked and answered when they aren't within reach of the other. Jessica knows that all sorts of identity questions need to be handled. And she had to answer her own sexuality questions. Christian has always been a "need", an "ache". Now with parts in transition... How do you adjust? Is it necessary to adjust? She's always been opposed to the halfway mark or transition of transgendered relationships. Jessica was never good with change. Can she be honest with Christian and herself with all the time they've spent together? Staring into that beautiful face says yes every time. She's never been able to say no to Christian. But she's been lucky that she hasn't posed a question. 'I love you Mon Cher.'

Those three words made her smile. But she knew Jessica spoke from the heart in Espanol. She didn't reply on purpose. 'Te Amo Christian.' She could feel her face flush hearing those words. They laced fingers as they talked about plans for Jessica's return trip. The simple tracing of patterns on each others skin made her feel at ease. The small things are what Christian realizes she missed all along. She's never had a lover absentmindedly touch her. Every one of her lovers was methodical and deliberate. It made her feel inhibited when people couldn't touch her, just to touch her. Jessica is doing it without a thought to where they were or who saw them. All the questions of being able to give her up is bubbling to the surface. 'What's wrong Mon Ami?' She couldn't answer Jessica's question.  She just pasted a smile on. Jessica kissed her softly on the lips. They notice the time. She paid the check in a rush to get Jessica on her flight. Christian loves the way she keeps a hand on her the whole ride back to the airport. They chat about mindless tasks that need to be done when Jessica gets back home.

Jessica is struggling to keep this as smooth as possible. She's always needed touch when she gets nervous. Finding themselves in silence once they reach the airport seems to put Jessica on high alert. Felt as if some sort of decision had to be made for both of them. Neither could seem to say what they were thinking. Jessica got antsy after getting her bags checked and ticket at the counter. She turns to see a blank expression on Christian's face. This expression is new to her. She couldn't find words to express herself in this moment. So much of this vacation was living in the moment. Now there were feelings, emotions and thoughts with consequences. What had they done to each other? What comes next now that the proverbial box has been opened? Nothing but silence and blank stares between them.

Christian couldn't fall apart in public or they'd both do something rash. "I love you Christian. You're the Omega to my Alpha. You've always been the weakness, my kryptonite.  I'd give my last if it will make you happy. Just say the words and it's yours." Jessica said. This is the last thing she thought she would hear from her. The want, the need for those words has always been there. How does she ask for something she isn't sure of? She doesn't. She can't ask for any of this right now. To demand all at a time where their relationship is so volatile doesn't seem fair. Christian grabs Jessica by the hips. Pressing her thumbs into her bruises. Getting her undivided attention made her feel powerful. Feeling Jessica's fingers in her hair for that last kiss makes her burn. A kiss full of passion, teeth and moans. Christian paid no attention to the onlookers. Hearing her growl from the pressure on the bruises urged her on. They pressed together for what felt like an eternity.  It was Christian who pulled back first. 'I can't ask you for what I am not certain of, Mon Cher. I can't ask you for more than a moment. I will not demand a love you've given so freely all of these years. Just hold on a bit longer for me. Can you do that?' She couldn't read the look on Jessica's face.

Jessica was expecting to stay. Expecting Christian to ask for the unthinkable. Knowing full well she was going to say yes to any request she would've made. This, this is a surprise. With those wonderful hands digging into her bruises from the night before, those magnificent eyes staring back into hers, those lips so soft against her own, the entire line of their bodies meeting, how does she walk away? She could only whisper the truth. "Mi corazon siempre te esperara" Pulling away at the sound of her flight boarding was the hardest thing she had to do. A softer kiss this time. "I'll see you later, Mi Amor." She turned to board her plane. No looking back, no turning around, no hesitation this time.  Anything else would be the undoing of them both.

Christian took solace in her words. "My heart will always wait for you." She knew there would come a time when she would ask for her hearts desire. Now was not the time for it. Back to everyday life. The next few weeks were hard to get through. All of her friends and co-workers asked about Jessica. She pasted on a smile with a reply of some nicety. The truth was, she didn't know. She hadn't opened an email, answered a Skype call, nor text message from Jessica in weeks. She knew that this wasn't fair behavior. It's something she wouldn't accept from anyone else. So why was she doing it to the one person who loved her lock, stock and barrel? She needed to believe she could give her up. Needed to believe there was a world without her again. Yet, she was still here. Her friends were asking about her. Her local eatery was offering recipes that Jessica asked for while she was here. Even her therapist began to ask those uncomfortable questions about her. Fine! She called her on Skype.

Jessica lit up when she saw the call come in. The smile she gave when Christian's pretty face came across her screen could have lit up Las Vegas. Seeing Christian smile in kind had her heart doing cartwheels. She didn't push for reasons why she took so long to call. She just wanted to see her pretty face again. Hearing that voice say her name was more than enough to offer forgiveness. They caught up on work, friends and food. She finally got all the recipes she asked for. Dreading holidays made her ask if Christian had plans for the coming months. Finding her unresponsive made her push a little. "Christian, you can't keep this silence. You have to talk to me some time. We can't go on pretending nothing has changed." She saw her nod and pull her hair into a pony tail. Seems as if she was getting ready to run a marathon. Still, she offered nothing of any substance to the conversation. Jessica switched gears entirely. "What color panties are you wearing?" Christian was obviously thrown off guard the way she answered so quickly. Jessica kept the same line of questions going until she got the full blush she loved so much.  Finally the smile came from her. The full, bright and happy grin she hoped for came full screen. Now she had her Christian again. Hopefully she would talk to her the way they both needed. For now, she'd settle for the superficial.

Christian knew she was being distant. Their wasn't a real reason for her odd behavior. She knew she was behaving badly, childish. So why keep this space between them. She started to tell Jessica of all the people asking after her. Filled her in about friends and co workers wondering when she'd visit again. Of course she didn't have holiday plans. The tangible pause showed on both of their faces. Christian had to own this moment or things were going to slide into a hole she couldn't dig herself out of. "You should check your email Mon Ami. I think your schedule will accommodate what I have in mind." The look of surprise on Jessica's face is priceless. It made the hesitation seem like a good idea after all. Watching her open the email then stare back at her through the monitor could have singed a lesser person where they sat. It wasn't what Christian thought would be her response. She refused to show weakness by squirming in her seat. The decision had been made. She knew Jessica wouldn't cancel the tickets. She would change dates if necessary.

She wasn't happy about plans being made without her. No matter how generous the offer was from her firecracker. That was the other problem. She wasn't a fan of anyone paying for her to do anything. Christian knew full well she wouldn't be happy about this gift. She also knew that she wouldn't waste the money in trying to return nor cancel the tickets. "Seems like you forgot the hotel reservations Christian." She watched her go wide eyed and flushed to angry in less than 10 seconds. Seems they both could push buttons from miles away. Jessica didn't like the look of hurt she put on her face. "Lo siento Mi Amor. That wasn't fair of me. It is inexcusable. I beg forgiveness." She watched Christian go pale then nod. They needed to find level ground. This behavior is only going to get worse if they don't work things out. Jessica pulled up her calendar to sync with Christian's. They settled on a set of dates that would cover their favorite holiday while spreading out to the ones they didn't. "I have some things to settle up here. Don't let it go so long until the next time that I see your face Christian." She blew her a kiss. Watching her catch it to save for later made her smile. Getting back into her day isn't going to happen. Immersing herself into work might be the only solution for the day. There's been so much to think through. So many things she's had to work through on a personal level. Planning a trip back to Canada was far from her mind. Now it was staring her in the face.

Months have gone by since they've been together. Christian made a point to make internet calls, text and email Jessica on a more regular basis. The tension between them had eased. The question now, How do I hold onto her? Making the decision to be with her is the hardest thing right now. Didn't I do that when I brought her to work? Introducing her to my friends and my new way of life here was essentially asking her to make the move. The sex between them has always been earth shaking, body wracking and mind blowing. Did her staying hinge on genitalia? Something she never considered as she hadn't planned on anything changing between them until surgery was complete. That moment has come and gone. After realizing this moment with her could alter that decision completely made Christian uneasy at first. Now, Now she realizes that Jessica has always accepted her/him. How do they proceed? She knew that she would be asking to change her entire world. It seems she should extend the same olive branch. It took a lot of soul searching to even think of them as a possibility. Now she can't shake the idea of the two of them as one entity.

Jessica couldn't wait to see her. Hoping for a heart to heart talk that will lead to the answers they both needed. Any forward movement between them would require a lot of honesty and open communication. How do they get there when they can't be in the same room together. The urge to touch and be touched by the other always clouded their judgement. The flight seems to be dragging on for an eternity. So much she wants to say when she sees Christian. All of the things swimming in her head and heart for months now seem to be swelling to a breaking point. Trying to keep calm is proving to be a fruitless task. The books she brought with weren't holding her attention. It was the first time she was thankful for the nosy passenger next to her. She decided to chat with her.

Christian found herself pacing at the airport. Checking the monitor repeatedly to see if the flight has landed yet. The clerk is staring at her. She was so anxious that she didn't bother to give a snarky remark. Angrily answering her cellular made her realize how wound up she was. After multiple apologies to her coworker she hung up the phone. "Hola, Mi Amor." She spun around to see Jessica smiling at her. Christian felt her chest loosen up and lungs breathe easier. She didn't realize how tense she'd been waiting for her to get here. The kiss she gave Jessica was filled with so much emotion. "I'm breathless and head spun." Christian couldn't keep this smile to herself. She could feel the heat flush all over her body. Normally she's reserved in public. Something about Jessica made her pour everything out no matter where they were. It's always been that way. She linked fingers with Jessica as they headed out of the airport.

Jessica loved that smile pasted on her friends face. It was so good to see her happy after such turmoil between them the last few months. That kiss, oh wow, that kiss! She had her rocked in a matter of moments with those full beautiful lips. She wasn't expecting that kind of welcome after their last day together. But the feel of their hands together made it all feel so natural. Jessica had to remind herself to stay focused until they talked. But the way her hips moved, those heels, her hair in the breeze.... Christian has always been a sight for sore eyes. All of that curly red hair aflame with every stride on stilettos is breath taking. How on earth is she going to maintain until they had time to discuss everything? Deep breaths Jessica, deep breaths and keep a safe distance. 'What's wrong Mon Cher? You seem to be distracted." Jessica couldn't hear a word those lips were saying to her. Both of her hands found their way into Christian's hair. The kiss she stole from her was so full of heat. She pulled back to see her lover's eyes still closed. Her lips were bruised and parted. Jessica finally admitted to herself there isn't a way for them to do this "easy". This is going to hurt. Their will be bruises and scars left behind after this visit. Jessica kissed her once more softer than the first time. Watching her face go soft put her at ease. She couldn't say why. Especially knowing this could be the end of them. Maybe that's why she finally found peace.

Christian couldn't believe how thrown off she'd become. After seeing Jessica beside her with a face of satisfaction, nothing else mattered. She tugged her along to the car. They talked about everything as if they hadn't kept contact over the last few months. It felt good to slip back into old habits. She also realized that they couldn't ignore everything that stared at them the last time. For now, she just squeezed her lovers hand tighter. They'll have more time for that later. Knowing Jessica, it wouldn't be too much later. 'What would you like to do first beautiful?' She saw the eye brow wag and wicked grin on her face. She could only laugh. Jessica is always in the mood for hanky panky. No she's always up for rough and ready sex. Christian giggled and rephrased the question. 'Are you ready for food or just head back to the house to unpack and relax?' They settled on a new restaurant on the way home.

Jessica is so excited about the new food. All other matters just slip her mind completely. Watching her across the table has always put a smile on her face. Today she can't help but ogle her. She saw the red creep up on her skin. Something about making her flush and uncomfortable turned her on every time. Today it isn't about the end goal of sex though. She wanted to see her sweat just because she could. This is something Jessica has to curb. It's behavior she had trouble controlling. The two of them had too much at stake to be treating her like this right now. She caught herself frowning and changed tactics. "Mi Amor, Mi Vida, Mi Corazon..." Christian smiled ear to ear at the words. "Tell me why we're here." She saw her lover thrown off course. Yes, this is the time. Maybe the place was a bad choice. But, Jessica knew that as long as they were within reach of each other, nothing was going to be said. The table was a small but effective distance for both of them.

Christian was confused by her quick transition. Of all the times to start *the talk* she chooses now? I guess it's best before their naked and spent in whatever room they happen to land in at home. They've never been good once they could touch the other. Something about their physical chemistry kept them on the ledge. Just waiting for the free fall of love without thinking of the consequences. That is something they need to deal with too. Or do they? If the touch they bring to each other is so magnetic, there isn't a reason to fix it. 'We are here to feed you. Here to enjoy the new smells, tastes and sights together. Here to keep that space you value so much just to talk. Right?' She watched her nod slowly. So it begins... Christian just braced for whatever may come.

Jessica had to know first if she was holding Christian back from finishing her process and the final surgery. To her surprise Christian told her that she was always at odds with doing it. Something inherently male about losing it always made her reschedule. She listened to Christian lay out all the reasons that kept her in therapy dealing with the finality of her decision. She never knew that meeting her in college is why she hadn't started the transition earlier. It put a different perspective on how she moved forward. Learning how the impotence, so to speak, had been an unhealthy way to come to a conclusion and make a new date for surgery. Christian had never gotten an erection with other women. It's what made her believe it was finally time to finish what she'd started. So it wasn't her visit that necessarily made her change gears. Jessica had to know where that left her now. So much had changed and stayed the same between them. But how does she ask what she really wants to know.

Christian felt like Jessica wasn't asking what she really wanted to know. 'What you really want to know is why I didn't tell you.' She watched Jessica sit back in her chair with that poker face. She hates this expression. She'd never been able to read what she was feeling nor thinking. 'So much changed when I met you. I'd never had anyone love me the way you do. No one ever took me whole as a friend. Absolutely no one found me attractive enough to touch me the way you do. I'd always known it wasn't the right skin to be in. But all of a sudden you're in front of me. Asking for more. More of who I am. How I got here? Where I want to go? All the while trying to help me get there. I've never been shown that level of acceptance from anyone.' She felt out of breath but couldn't stop now. 'Jessica, you made me feel good. Your touch helped me find a sexuality I didn't know I had. Suddenly everything seemed like it was an illusion. Maybe I am making a hasty decision.' Still she has her poker face on. Christian hated this but waited for something. Her heart racing just watching Jessica's face.

"So I was the reason you changed your mind all of those years ago?" When Christian just nodded, she pressed further. "Here we are now. You bring me back into your world just like we met as teenagers. How am I not supposed to believe I am not the reason for you stalling again? How am I supposed to believe you now. I feel lied to. I feel like you should have trusted me then as you say you do now. Yet, you waited. Why Christian, straight answer?" Watching her go cold wasn't what she wanted. This is the same conversation as before. She had to tell her the truth. She was expecting so much more from this red head. A friend who'd seen her soul. Christian had to know this wasn't enough.

Christian had to give up everything. Being in public put a certain pressure on her she wasn't ready for. But Jessica isn't going to let this go. 'I fell for you Jessica. I fell hard. I found myself in love with you. I didn't know what to do with it. You were so different from all of the things I thought I wanted. You were never interested in the same things for the long term. I knew I'd never have you for very long. Why would I tell you how much I wanted to change? Once we moved away, I figured things would wane. We'd go on with our journey with new people and places.' She rambled on as Jessica stares at her with that blank face. 'I was afraid Jessica. Plain and simple. I was afraid. We were never supposed to get so close. We were never supposed to matter. We weren't supposed to last this long.' Silence was so heavy between them.

"Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda Christian. We are here now. Right here. Right now. What do you want from me?" Jessica watched all of that porcelain skin get even whiter. She knew she wasn't being fair to her friend, her lover, Her Christian. Their love was never fair or easy. No reason to change that now. The need to touch her was overwhelming. The fact she ached to touch Her Christian just to soothe her was a sign of trouble. Her own heart was betraying common sense right now. Being able to stay in her chair was the hardest thing to do right now. Waiting for her to answer had her heart pounding in her ears. "Christian, what do you want from me?"

Feeling cornered in this public place had Christian stalling. There were so many things she had planned to say. All the right words rehearsed over and over again are all gone. 'I want you Jessica. I want your dreams, goals and mistakes. I want to share my morning sun and puddle jumps with you. I want to taste the ocean on you skin every time you dive in. I want to feel you beside me snoring. I want to steal every breath from you when we connect. I want to make your heart stop with just a touch of my fingers. I want it all.' Pausing long enough to see Jessica go pale. The sense of power she felt rushing through her was exhilarating. The whole thing could blow up with one word or look from her. She couldn't read Jessica's face or her body language. Nothing felt right in this moment. Then she came to kneel beside her chair. The kiss was soft and slow. The feel of Jessica's hands in her hair, the tenderness of her lips had Christian in a daze. Breathless and panting she sat back as she took her chair again.

'Now that didn't answer the young lady's question did it?' The old woman sitting at the next table added her two cents. Jessica couldn't help but smirk at her statement. "Mi amor, how long do I have?" She watched the flushed ginger take a moment to answer and hesitate. 'With the morning sun. I will wait until then.' They both turned to the old woman who gave a nod of approval. They both laughed and finished their meal. Jessica wasn't quite sure what to do with the words she heard. Tenderness and love was all she could show her. There didn't seem to be words for how she was feeling. All of the emotion coming from Christian is something she'd dreamed of having one day. Yet she couldn't just find a way to say yes, I will stay. Yes, I am yours. Yes, I'll always be here. All the things she was more than willing to do on her last visit she is finding hard to do now. There didn't seem to be a tangible reason for stalling. Only way to figure it out is to go with the flow. The day could bring almost anything with a ginger by her side.

Christian planned out a day of art museums and small shops. Knowing Jessica's love of small things made it easy to plan a day trip. Seeing her happy wondering through shops and galleries. She never tired of watching her touch everything. Knowing what that inquisitive touch feels like stirred something within her. Pushing it aside, they spend the day filled with trinkets and fresh flowers. Watching Jessica pause at a pastry window long enough to gasp made Christian impulsive. She dragged her inside to get whatever she wanted. A medium sized box and giggles later found them in a park on a bench under the sun. She watches Jessica lick the creamy filling, and glaze from her dessert. And there it was again. Christian couldn't ignore it this time. Something about her made (him) stand at attention. No other woman has ever gotten an erection from her. Because she was no longer him. Or so she thought. All Christian knew is in this moment, her Amazon goddess had a hold on her. Before she could take another bite of her delicacy, Christian kissed her. A soft lick to her full lower lip. She felt her breath hitch. Keeping it light and slightly distant. Christian traced the line of her lips. Seeing her tremble at the touch makes her bolder. She put her dessert back in the box. Holding onto Jessica's hands in her lap. She didn't want to close the distance just yet. Pressing her lips lightly against Jessica's. Pulling just out of reach when she tried to get closer. Seeing the goose bumps on her cleavage started the twitch again. 'Mon Ami, we should get back to the car." The dazed look and mutual nod made Christian laugh. 

Jessica felt light headed and giddy. She's never been kissed like that before. Being led by her lover on cloud nine couldn't have been a better place to be right then. Still in a daze by the time they hit the parking lot. She didn't resist being pinned against the car. Hearing urgent words in French didn't ground her reality. It wasn't until Christian pressed into her that she came to. She reached behind her to open the back door. The two of them fell in giggling. The heavy weight of Christian against her belly made her hungry. She couldn't resist rocking her hips. Grinding into her lover always yielded groans. She loved that control over him. Wait....no... She went still. 'Don't stop my love. I know what you're thinking. Don't stop.' Jessica reached up for a kiss. They fell into the seats again with soft moans and sighs. Jessica lifted her dress higher to feel Christian's skin on hers. She just had to have all of "Her Christian" right now. She reached between them to find what she wanted. Slipping all of this beautiful uncut woman inside her made her cry out. 

Christian had to cover her mouth quickly. She smiled down at her impatient lover. Her eyes startled at being silenced. She pushed all the way inside her. Seeing her eyes roll back pushed a button. She held still to feel her walls twitch while being filled. She whimpered as if begging for more. Christian gave a wicked grin before she pulled back ever so slowly. Jessica shuddered beneath her. Oh this sensation was new and thrilling. Worry that the end was near made Christian change tact. She reared back and pounded her hard and fast. The sharp pain of Jessica biting on her fingers pushed her on. The pace was fast, furious and in broad daylight. The feel of her walls engulfing her brought her to the brink. Looking down, found Jessica shaking and clawing at her free arm. 'Are you ready my love?' Jessica didn't have to do anything. But the clenching of her pussy answered the call. Christian pushed into her hard and deep sending a gush of her lover all over the back seat. Christian pulled out to find her tits. But Jessica came up on her elbows to take her load mouth wide open.. Christian loves the sight of her beneath, hungry for every drop to be spilled on her tongue. She went off like a rocket on her pink tongue. Jessica lapped it all up and sucked her clean. Breathless they fell back down. Lingering kisses, caresses and stroking made them purr like cats. 'We should go. Its about time for people to be done with their day.' She left Jessica in the back seat as she shook her skirt and rounded the car to drive home.

Jessica drifted off to sleep on the ride back. She felt like a cat after a full belly of cream laying in the sun. Gathering up all of her bags from the day seems so challenging. She hears Christian chuckling at her predicament. Not to be shown up she gets the gumption to get everything to the door on her own. She waited for the door to be opened. Tapping her foot in a pretense of impatience. Christian finally let her in where she dropped everything at the front door. She babbled on about their day as she undressed piece by piece through the rooms. She was naked in the bedroom when she spotted her favorite Frida Kahlo painting above the bed. She reached out for it as she climbed in bed. That's when she noticed the Rivera painting hanging above a new office space in the corner of the bedroom.  Jessica felt so exposed. She has stared at these images for years. Never spending the money on a replica let alone the originals and here they are. She curled up in the sheets to sit and stare. She never notices Christian crawling in bed behind her. "¿Cómo, cuándo, por qué mi amor? ¿Por qué esto para mí?" 

'The how isn't the point. The when isn't important. And you know why Mon Ami. Because I love you.' The look on her face was priceless. She'd fallen in love with Diego's ;Calla lily; as a child.  The way she spoke of it in college made her inner child come out. The wonder on her face now is the same as then. Every penny was well spent in this moment. Her silence, sheer reverence, made this gift special for Christian. She's always been the one to come up with the thoughtful moments of old. Things they'd talked about weeks, months or years prior, she had a way of bringing to fruition. Knowing she could be still was worth every dime. She lay back on he bed, pulling Jessica with her. She never took her eyes off the wall. 'The space is for you Mon Ami. It's equipped with every gadget you've oohed and ahhed over since I've known you.' Christian heard her breath hitch again. Hoping it wasn't for tears she wrapped arms around her. The feel of her full figure was satisfying. There was such substance to her that other women never had. Holding onto her made the world softer somehow. 

"Christian I can't. I don't.... Oh my, no words. We haven't talked about anything. We.." She stopped there. Hearing those words come from her lips made her stop and think. She's already put herself here. Yet she's trying to find ways to say no to all of this happiness being offered. What on earth is she thinking? She's never been happier with her Christian, then and now. "I love it. It's beautiful. Thank you so much." The kisses laid on her shoulders were soft. She moved her hair to feel those lips on her neck. The warmth of love that filled the room set her skin on fire. Being nestled into the arms of her lover made everything feel upside down. All of the things she has ever wanted were right here in this room. Why can't she be still in this moment? Her mind is racing a million miles per hour. Feeling Christian's breath on her skin made goosebumps rise along her skin. Her teeth sinking into her shoulder turned her to jelly. "I can't think when you do that." Another bite to the nape of her neck had her creaming between the thighs. "I can't see clearly Christian." The third bite harder than before just below the second. Jessica's whole body shook from orgasm.

Christian loves the way her lover's body responds to her touch. Having those heavy globes in her hands brought her to attention. Sliding her erection between the cheeks of this soaking wet girl made it impossible to back away. Feeling her entire body shake from just her bite pushed her for more. The slippery feel of her ass cheeks had her teetering on the edge. Just as she pulled back to slow down, Jessica rolled her hips. The grip of her ass then sliding over the head of her cock nearly caused an eruption. Christian took it slow as she pushed all the way into her quivering lover. Jessica moved her hands to pinch her nipples between the knuckles. Christian held still while she rocked her hips at a medium pace that made them both happy. Feeling her bare down and roll them both on their backs brought the end near. She took on the weight of her lover while she rolled her hips to get a faster rhythm.

Jessica loved the feel of her ass being filled by Christian. The feel of her nipples hard against her back brought an interesting contrast she'd never noticed before. She braced her elbows to take her own weight. Lifting her hips to pump her ass along her shaft as fast as she could. Christian reached in front of her to squeeze her tits. 'You like me filling your hole don't you?' She could only whimper in response. She felt Christian's fingers on her clit working feverishly to bring them to a fever pitch. 'Who am I?' Jessica could barely take in air to answer. "Christian." came softly from her lips. Feeling her head jerked back by her hair she hears, 'Who am I?' Jessica came in a gush from the aggressive move. Still she couldn't answer. 'You're a dirty whore letting me fuck your ass like this aren't you?' Jessica felt the heat across her skin and smile brighten her face. "Yes. Fuck me until I pass out." She felt Christian's arms around her waist. She came off her elbows. When they rolled onto her belly she came again.

Christian loved the feel of her juices flowing down onto her cock and balls. She pumped fast and hard into Jessica's ass. The feel of her body trembling from another orgasm on the way egged her on. 'You don't deserve my cum.' She pulled back to the tip of her cock. The look on her lovers face was priceless. She watched her rear up to take all of her back in. She pushed back on her cock like a starved nympho. Christian smacked her ass repeatedly. 'You're an ass fucking whore. Take my cum from me if you can.' She pounded so hard onto her cock she nearly toppled backward. When she reached back to tug lightly on her balls, she groaned in delight. She pushed Jessica into the bed as the volcano neared eruption.  Rushing to the edge of the bed to shove her cock in her lover's mouth. 'Let me fuck your face. Now!' Jessica opened up easily to gag on her cock. 'You're a cum guzzling slut. I am going to fill your mouth.' Looking down into those eyes full of mischief made her smile. 

Jessica loved the feel of Christian so urgent in her mouth. She never talked to her this way before. Nothing was going to stop her from finishing this out. Stroking her balls, feeling them near the brink. Jessica slid a finger into Christians ass. Milking her prostate for the inevitable. Shoving all of her lover down her throat to get every last drop of her cum. Christian growled so loudly she had to look up. No pain on that beautiful face. Just hard nipples, sweaty body and a twisted expression of orgasm. Once Jessica had milked her cock for the last drop she rolled to the center of the bed. Christian collapsed in a heap beside her. She fell fast asleep with the panting sounds of her lover beside her.

Christian pulled up the covers over them both. They melded together as she slid in behind her. So natural after all these years. They still love, lust and sleep together like the first night they became lovers. She knew they would need to talk about the meaty issues. But for now, a nap will do them both good. Spreading her locks over the pillows so she could spoon her seems like an everyday occurrence. Christian thought about all the things that have led them to this moment. So clouded by the smell of her. She kissed the marks her biting left behind. Jessica cooed softly from the touch. Christian knew if she didn't get everything out before the day was over. They would not recover if she decides to leave. Jessica began to snore as only she can. Drifting off with the rumble of her lover kept a smile on her face.

Jessica woke to the sun already set and wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. Stretching out made her remember how well she was used. Crawling out of bed to the shower took more effort than necessary. The hot water beating on sore muscles helped her think. Christian probably had the rest of their evening planned already. Finding all of her creams and toiletries on the counter gave her pause. She isn't used to having someone unpack for her. The reality is she needed it done and her lover took care of it. It still made her think beyond her next moment. Wrapping up her hair in a towel to find something simple to put on. She opened her luggage to find it empty. She turns to see all of the closet doors are gone. Her things are hanging at the end. She frowned. 'You're being spoiled. And you can only think about how you didn't do it yourself.' She turned to see her ginger watching quietly behind her. Her words are correct. So she slips into a halter top and skirt to keep from discussing anything. 'Dinner is ready Mon Ami, whenever you are.' Jessica heard her as she walked back to the kitchen. Feeling selfish about everything that's happened had her lowered. So long she's taken care of herself. The idea of not doing the simple things made her uneasy. Why couldn't she take this for what it is, love.

Watching her sit down to dinner feels normal. Christian is still apprehensive of these small moments. Not being sure if the old days are blending into today to create a false reality. Knowing Jessica is only thinking in the moment makes it even harder to be with her. So much is being gambled on in the last 24 hours. "You're too quiet baby. What's up?" Christian is startled by her words. 'Just thoughts of tomorrow.'  The tension seems to be growing with the silence between them. Or it was nerves getting the best of her. Either way it isn't making the mood any easier. Keeping her hands busy with setting the table would steady her a little bit.  Thoughts of everything crashing, burning and crumbling in the next few hours had her off kilter. She didn't notice  Jessica walk up behind her. Feeling her arms wrap around her waist was like a blanket. Listening to her whisper words of love is soothing and stinging. She turned in her embrace so she could see those nut brown eyes. "There's so much happening for both of us. Words fail me Mon Ami. The logistics of transplanting are simple enough.  All the things we want in life could be done side by side. All of my current goals could be achieved here with you.  The question is if you can reach all of yours. Can you?" Christian considered her words. It was a thought that never crossed her mind. Only one piece of her puzzle had been in limbo. So much of who and what she has become then is exactly where she is now. Love is the only missing piece for her.  Would asking for monogamy and children change everything for them? 'Would you give me one of my dreams? Just one Jessica.'

She knew she was in for a ride by the look on her lovers face.  Isn't that why she is here now. "Ask for what your heart desires Christian." All of the things that they agree on, disagree on or find together could bind them or separate them permanently. None of those ideas is appealing in the moment. But she did shorten her time here by saying she'd talk with the setting sun. Everything had to be asked and answered. The first few requests Christian made were easy to say yes. Even as the conversation carried on over dinner it felt natural. Jessica  couldn't find a reason to say no to anything she wants. 'I decided not to follow through with the final surgery.' Jessica went still as she listened to her reasoning. 'After talking to my theraist about your visits. It doesn't feel right. Could I change my mind in ten years? I am not sure. But, what I do know is in the years of the process I was apprehensive to finish this task. Now that I've had time with you again, there is a piece of me that feels complete. I feel like I could be whole as the way things stand with me physically. Even if you were to leave tomorrow. I think I could do this again..' Jessica was happy that'd she'd been working through this with her therapist. It is one of the things that worried her the most when she left last time. So why did it feel like she has a bomb yet to drop? 'Now you're wondering what's coming next?' Jessica could only nod with a doe eyed expression. 'I'm prepared for you to say no and fight me on the idea of children. I know at this point in our lives it's not optimal. I also realize you wouldn't even consider it for other reasons. So I won't even ask.' The weight lifted from Jessica's chest felt good. It was the one thing she knew that would end them. It simply isn't an option for her. THe last thing she would do is deny Christian that piece of happiness if it became a must. She smiled back at her red head. 'What my heart desires is having you beside me every night. I want to know when I come home from a trip that it's you I find snoring. The only hand holding yours should be mine. I am asking for all of you Jessica. I don't want to share any of you.' Jessica couldn't stop the fork from clanging on the dinner plate. She felt her stomach drop with nausea following quickly. All of the color drained from her face. In that moment she couldn't move. It was the last thing she was expecting her Christian to ask of her. She could hear the crickets chirping inside her own head. Of all the times not to have a quick come back, this was not the one. Paralyzed in her seat with so much tension in the air. The part that is confusing her the most is she can't say no automatically. The idea of monogamy has always yielded a big hell no to anyone who asked. But she was sitting here with Her Christian unable to answer. "Christian. Do you understand what you're asking me? A lifetime of a cat in heat. I am not an easy lover when I am in need. I am pushy and aggressive when I don't get what I want nor need. I can be downright bratty when I want to be touched. It's damaged so many of my relaionships. It's still not something I am willing to change on this subject. I require touch, sex and intimacy. I require the words and actions of a lover at least 80% of the time. I am more than willing to take every ounce of affection you give me then ask for more."

Christian watched the wheels turn, expressions jumble and the sternness of her lovers voice. She knew this would be the one sticking point for Jessica. 'Baby, we've never had a problem sexually. In fact you're the only one who has taken all of me without complaint. How could what I am asking for be that hard for you.'Watching Jessica take time to answer made her forget the dessert burning in the oven. Smoke detectors silenced and deserts ruined had Christian feeling like it was a metaphor for their relationship. Going down in flames and burnt to a crisp. She tossed everything in the trash. Before she could turn to open the fridge, Jessica was in front of the doors.

"I can see my tomorrow in your eyes. Your kiss has always made my heart race. The touch of your hands on my skin set me on fire. When we connect, I'm lost in everything that is you. I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'd give my last breath for you. What I want most in this world is happiness. If we can achieve it together, the world is ours." Jessica couldn't stand the blank expression and sheet white color on her lover. "Ask yourself if you can handle my libido full time. Be honest with me. Can you do this?" Tracing the line of her lower lip with the last question had Christian pulling away. 

Christian didn't know the answer. Being honest wasn't the issue. Believing they had everything it takes to make it work is what matters. Being sincere about the long term of their relationship was easy without this portion. Now she had to ask herself, Can I do this long-term? Frighteningly, an answer wasn't on the tip of her tongue. She stared into the eyes of the one she wanted. She could see so much more than what they are to each other now. The possibilities were endless together. Keeping her happy is usually the easiest thing to do. The truth is, she's never had the hurdle of being her only sex partner. The years haven't slowed her down much. At every encounter they've drained each other dry. The reality of their predicament started to set in. 'Can I do this with her?' Still no immediate answer. As long as they weren't touching, she thought a clear path would show itself. Christian feels more uncertain than before. 

Jessica was at a loss. Clearing the table seems like the only thing to do. The silence was maddening. This isn't what she planned. A few weeks of laughter and love with Her was all she wanted. Now they're deciding tomorrow in a moment's notice. Could she curb her libido for this love? Is there a compromise here for them to work out? Why can't she see beyond the sex in this relationship? The truth is, everything fits for them already. Sex is the only divider . Washing the dishes while listening to Christian play the piano helped smooth the nerves. She's barefoot in her lover's kitchen. Worrying about where they're going next has her consumed. The blues tune playing in the other room brings out her voice.  She dries her hands as she walks to the day room. Sitting beside Christian at the piano made her heart leap.  Seeing her smile back as she finishes the song. The light bulb went off for her. "Yes. I'm saying yes, Mi Vida. Be careful with me. I am fragile. My desire for you wont wane.  Are you prepared for this journey with me? Mi corazon en sus manos."

Christian cupped her face gently. Staring into those nut brown eyes made her feel at home.  She always loved the line of Jessica's full lips. Tracing them with her thumbs made Jessica smile. Stroking her cheeks softly as she thought through her question.  The truth is that she isnt prepared. All of this is brand new and exciting.  Reality is also this could become too much. 'I want to see you beside me in the morning.  I need to feel your warmth in my bed. I even expect to pick up your clothes off the floor every time I walk in the door.' Christian pulled her close for a soft kiss. Feeling the sigh escape her lover's lips pushed her to take more. The kiss turned rough with teeth and hands fisted in her hair.  Seeing Jessica breathless with bruised lips in the palms of her hands made her take that leap. 'I'm ready to love you for as long as I am able. This is going to hurt.  This won't be easy. We're going to do this together.' Jessica nodded slowly.

Being led to the bathroom and undressed by Christian was confusing.  Jessica waited to see what was next. Enjoying the touch and smell of her ginger had her reeling. The slow tracing of lines on her bare skin sent chills all over. All the sensations were light and subtle. Something neither of them is used to. She watches Christian start the shower then undress herself.  The sight of her naked body caused throbbing in her heart and below. When she held out a hand as she stepped in the shower her heart caught fire. Those eyes were full of desire. The way Christian looks at her makes her feel beautiful. Everything changed once she was in the tile with her lover. The force of her kiss as she pressed her into the wall is intense.  Both of Christian's hands wrapped in her locks with the cold tile behind made her weak in the knees. There's no way she's being taken over so easily.

The growl that came from her had Christian pausing. Jessica dug her nails into her hips as she bit into her lip. The pain is exquisite.  Her hands were feverish all over. As if jessica tried to touch her all at once. Her nipples hardening against her own is electrifying.  Both of her hands found their way to her cock. Roles reveresed as she is pressed into the cold tile.  Her tongue and lips never broke the kiss. The slow firm grasp Jessica had on her brought out a growl. She took ahold of Jessica's wrists to wrestle her back against the wall. The lines of their bodies meeting as one. 'Look at me Mon Cher.' When she didn't get what she wanted,  she put pressure on her wrists. 'Look at me Jessica.' She looked up slowly. Christian could see the vulnerability in that gaze. 'Tell me why you're here. Tell me the truth.'

Jessica felt trapped. The words didn't seem to come for her so easily. Every attempt at turning away was met with a bite to her neck,  lips and shoulders.  The pain is so pleasurable but a means to an end. "The truth is I've fallen for you again. I'm afraid you'll grow weary of me and let go. I'll be a burden or obligation that you run from. Im scared you're not going to love me at the end of this moment. So I'm here now to take everything you can give me." When she saw the shock on Her Christian's face, she looked away. This time, there was no pain. Just the tender touch at her chin bringing them back eye to eye.  Christian lifted her leg to wrap around her hip. Her other hand at the nape of her neck.

Christian didn't have a reply. Didn't understand the words being spoken. 'Hold on Jessica. Just grab hold of me and dont let go.' She slipped inside her slowly.  Watching the pleasure take over in Jessica's eyes is like lightening in her veins.  She took her time making love to her. Keeping eye contact so she could watch the orgasm build. When her lovers lips started to tremble, so did the walls of her pussy.  Christian pushed into her deep and slow to make it last longer. Never letting her out of this grip. It was torture for them both. But she had to see her just once, eyes wide open.  Jessica grabbed a fistful of hair just as she neared her peak. They were intertwined in a passionate moment that left them both shaking and bruised. Not being able to hold back any longer,  Christian dug deep. Pounding her lover into the wall until she cried out her name.

Jessica couldn't believe shed said it. But the waves of orgasm that washed over her kept her off kilter. The feel of Christian inside her while looking into her soul shook her to the core. Thats when she pulled back. Her lover turned her forcefully around. Pulling on her hips to enter her from behind. She pushed into her dripping hole again. Her nipples aching against the tile. 'Hold on Jessica. ' She was stuck in that moment.  The sensations were intoxicating. The feel of her lover pounding into her fast and hard had another eruption. 'One more time Mon Cher.  Give me all of you.' Jessica let go. Her entire body rocked as Christian drilled her under the hot spray of the shower. She heard herself call out Christian's name again.

Christian spilled inside her. Both of them slumpt against the wall under the hot spray. They were unsteady on their feet as they tried to separate.  They toweled off in silence.  Neither of them could look at the other.  Christian led her back to bed. She mumbled something about desert. She could only smile as she pulled the covers over her. Jessica was fast asleep. Now she has to decide what to do with the love she asked for,  No. Demanded this love from Jessica.  She had the answer.

Jessica woke to the sun and the smell of waffles. The reality of her decision is starting to sink in. She said yes. Yes to staying here with Christian.  Yes to changing everything to be with Her. She called out her name during sex. Nothing left to do but hold on tight and see how it goes. Stretching out to find her robe she saw 'it'. Wiggling her fingers in disbelief.  Jessica had to rub her eyes and look at her hand again.  She rolled back under the covers to look at it closely.  As if she were still dreaming and it would disappear when she pulled back the covers again. No, its still there! Christian remembered after all these years. A ring of rubies and peridot with a two carat sapphire set in platinum.  She dreamed of it years ago.  A design she came up with as her ring. The one she'd put on and never take off again. The one!  She couldn't hold back the tears.

Christian watched her from the doorway. She never intended to make her cry. She startled her when she kneeled by the bed. Stroking away her tears.  'My love, why arent you happy? Isn't this what you wanted.' Jessica nodded quietly with a doe eyed expression.  'Then why all the tears?' She couldn't answer. Christian kissed her lightly.  'Tell me why we're here.' Jessica reached out to Christian.  "This is supposed to be the one. The last ring I ever put on, the One. Do you understand what you're doing here?" Christian smiled ear to ear.  'I'm loving you for as long as I'm able.'